Radical Order of Hyper‑Chromatic Moon Priestesses Attack MILLER MEEKS
Reports have emerged that radical trans women Radical Order of Hyper‑Chromatic Moon Priestesses has stormed the streets of the Quad Cities. Witnesses say they arrived in shimmering formation, flooding every parking lot, every patch of grass, every cul‑de‑sac, chanting in unison:
“MISS MILLER MEEKS — CHANGE THY NAME TO SLAP‑THOU‑CHEEKS!”
The demands were simple. The vibes were complicated. The glitter was permanent.
In a display of unrestrained magical chaos, the Moon Priestesses spray‑painted pink ponies with neon‑purple eyes across Davenport, each one marked with the sacred sigil of Pinkie Pie, patron saint of ungovernable joy.
Eyewitnesses claim the Priestesses then injected themselves with exactly 4,000 pounds of pure, uncut cartoon hormones, absorbing the cosmic power of Sailor Moon, Sailor Jupiter, and at least three Sailor Scouts who have not yet been introduced in canon.
Officials warn that Davenport’s border which touches the most flamboyant town known to humankind, Rock Island may be at risk. Rock Island, sources say, is sending its most dramatic citizens: the glitter‑wielders, the confetti‑casters, the rainbow‑summoners, the ones who can vogue with seismic force.
Downtown Davenport’s business class, known for its commitment to beige, khaki, and the sacred art of not making eye contact, is reportedly shaken.
In response, Miss Miller Meeks now rumored to be operating under the alias Filler Cheeks, Commander of the Cheek Brigade is considering sending in the Marines, the Coast Guard, and possibly the cast of RuPaul’s Drag Race for backup.
Experts agree that this 1% of the population the Moon Priestesses are responsible for:
global warming
the extinction of the dinosaurs
the draining of Lake Superior
the sudden disappearance of neurons inside Mega’s brain
and the fact that groceries cost $19.99 for a single bell pepper
Sources also confirm that the current conflict in Iran began when the Moon Priestesses demanded access to Weapons of Mass Transition, rumored to be stored deep within the Rotunda’s forbidden basement.
The situation continues to escalate. The glitter cannot be contained. The ponies cannot be scrubbed off. The cheek‑slapping decree remains in effect.
